I’m learning God wants my devotion to Him and not what I want from Him. Slowly learning. A few years ago someone said to me, “Whatever you think you must have in order to experience peace with God is an idol.” [Insert eye opening head thump here.] Putting it into practice doesn’t come quite as quickly as the revelation, though. Life goes on with some improvement in that regard. Yet, old fretting habits and figuring things out logically, well, they die hard.
Fast forward to the new year, 2014. I listen to “I Surrender All”, this time in yet one more arrangement and style on Pandora. And it hits me. One more thing I have not surrendered since I am nearly sweating bullets if ____ happens. Yikes. I thought I surrendered “all” the last time God laid it out plain for me in a different trial. Guess I put back on a few more layers of “my way” again in my thinking. Not that “my way” is anything bad. In fact, it’s peaceful, lovely, not offensive and usually socially desirable. It might be “your way” too, if you knew. It’s just…well…MY way, and not necessarily the way God will choose.
So I resolve to lay it down. Yet, how quickly and subtly I entwine another layer or two of my own logic into my prayers. A few weeks later, I read in my “Utmost for His Highest” devotional, ‘were you devoted to your desire or to God?’. Okay, God. Trying. Thanks for your patience and reminders. I’m learning to embrace the occasional darkness of dismay and getting better at seeing His light shining into it. I’m learning to marvel at His continual grace. I am reminded that Jesus works in the supernatural, not in common sense ways. If He finds it best for my soul (or that of another) to grant what I ask of Him, He will do the impossible above all I ask or think.
Then I read in the March 25 “Utmost” devotional, “A beautiful saint may be a hindrance if he does not present Jesus Christ but only what Christ has done for him.” Yes, my testimony is important and it is often about what God has done for me, but ultimately it is about who He is to me! It’s about me making Him my master ambition. No circumstance can ever mess with that. I am learning this is a place of peace and unspeakable joy. Two steps forward, one step back. Slowly. I am learning.